Church-going Humor

There was once a zealous Christian farmer who wanted to use different words than “giddyup” and “woah” as commands for his horse. So he taught the horse to respond to “Praise the Lord” and “Hallelujah”.

When the farmer shouted “Praise the Lord”, the horse would take off in a fast gallop. When he wanted the horse to stop, he would shout “Hallelujah”. All went well until the day he wasriding his horse at full gallop across a field when suddenly the farmer remembered that there was a cliff just a short distance ahead. In his excitement, he temporarily forgot what he had taught the horse, and he yelled, “Woah!”, but the horse didn’t stop. He yelled “Stop!”, but the horse kept running straight for the cliff. At the last possible minute the farmer remembered he had taught the horse to stop at the command, “Hallelujah”. When he shouted it out, sure enough, the horse obediently came to a sudden stop, just inches before the horse and rider would have plunged over the cliff. Totally relieved, the farmer exclaimed, “Praise the Lord!”

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Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

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In a car in the middle of Colorado a wife says to her husband, “Oh Dear George, I’m afraid the house is going to burn down, I’m sure I left the iron on.”

George: “The house will not burn down Dear, don’t worry.”

Wife: “Now how can you make a statement like that?”

 George: “Cause I forgot to turn off the water in the bathtub!”

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Let’s Work It Out

My first job was working in an orange juice factory,

but I got canned … couldn’t concentrate. Then I worked

in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it,

so they gave me the ax. After that I tried to be a tailor,

but I just wasn’t suited for it. Next I tried working in

a muffler factory but that was exhausting. Next was a job

in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn’t fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that

I couldn’t live on my net income. I managed to get a good

job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work

was just too draining. So then I got a job in a gymnasium

(work-out-center), but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.

I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there

was no future in it.

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There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying. But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One time she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing. After awhile he turned to her and asked, “You don’t really believe all that stuff in there do you?”

The lady replied “Of course I do. It is the Bible.” He said

“Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?”

She replied “Oh, Jonah. Yes I believe that, it is in the Bible.

He asked “Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?”

The lady said, “Well I don’t really know. I guess when I get to heaven I will ask him.” “What if he isn’t in heaven?” the man asked sarcastically.

“Then you can ask him.” replied the lady.

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A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, “How many women  can a man marry?”

“Sixteen,” the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.

“How do you know that?”

“Easy,” the little boy said. “All you have to do is add it up, like the minister said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer.

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“After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, “Mom, I’ve decided to become a minister when I grow up.”

“That’s okay with us, but what made you decide that?”

“Well,” said the little boy, “I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen.

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“A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.

“How do you know what to say?” he asked.

“Why, God tells me.”

“Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?”

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After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, “That minister said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!

“Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle’s picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent “The flight to Egypt,” said Kyle.”I see … And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus,”Ms. Terri said. “But who’s the fourth person?”

“Oh, that’s Pontius – the pilot.”

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The Sunday School Teacher asks, “Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?”

“No sir,” little Johnny replies, “I don’t have to. My mom is a good cook.”

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A little girl was sitting on her grandfather’s lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up,

“Grandpa, did God make you?”

“Yes, sweetheart,” he answered, “God made me a long time ago.”

“Oh,” she paused, “Grandpa, did God make me too?”

“Yes, indeed, honey,” he said, “God made you just a little while ago.”

Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, “God’s getting better at it, isn’t he?”

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Q. What do you call a duck with all A’s on his report card?

A. A wise quacker.

Q. What did the ocean say to the beach?

A. I’m not shore.

Q. Why did the farmer take a bucket of milk to church?

A. To get it pastor-ized.

Q. Why did the farmer take a bucket of milk to the meadow?

A. To get it pasture-ized.

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Some church people are kind, polite and sweet-spirited until you try to sit in their pews.

Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.

It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.

The good Lord didn’t create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.

When you get to your wit’s end, you’ll find God lives there.

Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.

Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn’t belong.

If the church wants a better preacher, it only needs to pray for the one it has.

God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?

Peace starts with a smile.

We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.

Be ye fishers of men. You catch them; He’ll clean them.

Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.

Don’t put a question mark where God put a period.

Forbidden fruits create many jams.

God doesn’t call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

God grades on the cross, not the curve.

God loves everyone, but probably prefers “fruits of the spirit” over “religious nuts”.

God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.

He who angers you, controls you.

If God is your co-pilot, swap seats!

Prayer: Don’t give God instructions, just report for duty.

The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.

The will of God will never take you to where the grace of God will not protect you.

We don’t change the message, the message changes us.

You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him.

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What Denomination is Your Dog?

A strong Baptist family decided to buy a home and make everything in the house Baptist.  They were going to make it look and feel Baptist through and through.  So when they were finished they went to a pet shop to look for a Baptist dog. They asked the owner, “Do you have a Baptist dog?” Surprised, the pet shop owner thought about it for a while and then nodded, saying, “Yes…  yes, I think we have a dog that will fit your description.” So the owner brought out the dog to the family, and the father said, “Let’s see if this is a real Baptist dog.” So the father said to the dog, “Go get a Bible.” And the dog ran over to a table, grabbed a Bible in its mouth, ran back to the man and plopped the book at his feet.  Impressed, the father continued, “Let’s see if this dog knows its books of the Bible…  Turn to Psalm 23”. The dog then opened the Bible with its snout and pawed through the pages to Psalm 23. Very pleased, the father bought the dog and brought it home.  The next day, the family had visitors.  They showed their friends the Baptist dog and the things it could do. Finally, the friends asked, “Well, can it do any other tricks that normal dogs do?” The Baptist father wondered and said, “Hmm, I don’t know.  I’ve never tried.” He then ordered the dog, “Heel.” Suddenly the dog leaped onto the father’s lap and placed its paw on the man’s head and started to pray.  “Wait a minute!” exclaimed the Baptist mother, “This dog isn’t Baptist! It’s Pentecostal!”   The Organist The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, after the worship service, ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. “Here’s a copy of the service,” he said impatiently. “But you’ll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.”During the service, the minister paused and said, “Brothers and Sisters, We are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more.Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.”At that moment, the substitute organist played “TheStar-Spangled Banner.”And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

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 The best mathematical equation I have ever seen: l cross + 3 nails= 4 given.

 

Now here this!

Some of you have have been making a few too many error! To improve this I am now using a new set of rules for editing.

1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They’re old hat)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren’t necessary and shouldn’t be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it’s highly
superfluous.
14. One should NEVER generalise.
15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
16. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
17. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
18. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
19. The passive voice is to be ignored.
20. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words
however should be enclosed in commas.
21. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
22. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
23. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas.
24. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”
25. If you’ve heard it once, you’ve heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
26. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
27. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
28. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
29. Who needs rhetorical questions?
30. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

And the last one…

31. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Stop Me If You Heard This

A soldier stationed overseas recently received a “Dear John” letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear John,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice since you’ve been gone, and it’s not fair to either of us. I’m sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love,
Jane

With hurt feelings, the poor guy asked his fellow soldiers for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins, etc. In addition to the picture of Jane, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope, along with this note:

Dear Jane,
I’m sorry, but I can’t quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile and send the rest back to me.
Love,
John

~ ~ ~

An old fellow came into the hospital truly on death’s door due to an infected gallbladder. The surgeon who removed the gallbladder was adamant that his patients be up and walking in the hall the day after surgery, to help prevent blood clots forming in the leg veins. The nurses walked the patient in the hall as ordered, and after the third day the nurse told how he complained bitterly each time they did. The surgeon told them to keep walking him.

After a week, the patient was ready to go. His family came to pick him up and thanked the surgeon profusely for what he had done for their father.

The surgeon was pleased and appreciated the thanks, but told them that it was really a simple operation and we had been lucky to get him in time.

“But doctor, you don’t understand,” they said, “Dad hasn’t walked in over a year!”

~ ~ ~
A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him out cold. Passersby pulled him from the wreck and revived him. He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics.

Later, at the hospital, they asked him why he struggled so. He said, “I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of a huge, flashing “Hell”. I was scared.” Everyone was puzzled until they heard it was an old Shell service station and the light was out on the ‘S’.

~ ~ ~

A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this “religiously” and lived to the age of 110.

He left behind 4 children, 20 grandchildren, 30 great-grandchildren, 10 great-great grandchildren – and a fifty-foot hole where the crematorium used to be

A Little Classroom Humor

HUMOR! HERE’S KIDS STUFF:

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?

CLASS: Maria.`

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TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

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TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell “crocodile?”

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L”

TEACHER: No, that’s wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

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TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.

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TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

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TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.

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TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with “I.”

MILLIE: I is…

TEACHER: No, Millie….. Always say, “I am.”

MILLIE: All right… “I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”

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TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.

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TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.